Questions and Assumptions

Crossing That Line

Too often am I faced with invasive questions and assumptions when it comes to the really important life decisions that should only be discussed between partners: wedding plans, work visas, family plans – you name it.

Worse yet is when family members are grilled on the same topics, resulting in major assumptions that characterise us poorly, and ultimately leave us incredibly frustrated.

Now, before I go any further, my family are not the creators of such burden. Since moving to the UK, both my immediate and extended families have given nothing but support: emotionally (with daily texts and photos from home), psychologically (helping me to nut out problems I face that require a second opinion) and physically (with the sending of care packages, despite the enormous cost of shipping and customs charges).

While I answer most questions asked of me while maintaining some semblance of privacy, my family aren’t always afforded the same courtesy.

If someone asks me a question that is too personal, I have no problems showing them where the line is and reminding them to stand behind it. Unfortunately, when my family is grilled, it is socially unacceptable for them to respond in the same way without being perceived as ‘defensive’. So then they are left trying to explain MY situation between bossy, instructional comments that tell them what they “should” do, all while enduring intense judgement – for MY personal decisions. It’s not too fair, huh?

So I’d like to dispel some myths about living abroad, living away from my family, working in a foreign country, and our wedding plans. This blog will put my mind at ease, as I cannot be interrupted, and my actions, thoughts or feelings can in no way be misconstrued. What I say is what I mean.

Questions asked of my family

1. (Moments after being told I’m engaged) “Did he give her a big ring?”

A: The ring is absolutely perfect – down to the finest detail. Now let’s focus on the fact that two people will be marrying for love, not money or possessions.

2. “So you're flying over for the wedding? For how long will you stay in England?” 

A: No. This is something we’ve discussed and toyed with, but I’ve been raised to think practically and logically. I have been home to Australia twice to visit, as I missed my country, my family, my friends, and my angel of a dog. I wanted familiarity (and sunshine!). It doesn’t make sense to spend enormous amounts of money to fly my family over, when I’d be at work, or overseas on my honeymoon.

3. “Good. You have accommodation there.”

A: Even if my family did visit, we could fork out money on blow-up mattresses that would be used for a week, but would they be comfortable? Our sweet, neat, cosy 1-bedroom flat wouldn’t be suitable for a family of five.

4.  *gasp* “They want a PRIVATE wedding?!”

A: Oh my lord, yes. Growing up, I NEVER wanted a big wedding. From an early age (and probably due to my social anxiety, and the inherent need to never let anyone feel left out), I always preferred to elope; this made people gasp every time, but it is honestly what I wanted and continue to want. Luckily, my fiancé wants the same! 

The venue is gorgeous: nice building in an old, clean and respected town. Yes, we have a photographer and yes, we have booked our exciting honeymoon.

At the end of the day, flying my immediate family to England means my extended family (who are just as important to me) miss out on the wedding.

Then there’d be the pressure of having a big family dinner – again, not something either the bride or groom wanted. We will celebrate with our families separately when we see them, so we can spend one-on-one time with them. That would mean the world to us.

So yes, we are having a VERY private wedding. And we are SO excited. 😃

5. "Has she bought the wedding dress, yet? Can I see? How much did it cost?"

A: I will wear the modest, modern wedding outfit I envisioned for my wedding. ☺💖

6.  “My daughter drove in to her wedding in a Ferrari.”

A: How lovely for your daughter! If that is her dream, I’m glad it was achieved. For me though, I’d rather save that money for a house deposit. We cannot wait to landscape our own garden in a home not governed by a landlord or pushy real estate agency.

7. Why don’t you just go to England for a few days at least? You HAVE to see your daughter/sister marry!

A: First of all, no, they don’t. They might LIKE to, but they don’t HAVE to. My family is wise enough to know that it is the life we make for ourselves after we marry that counts.

The other thing is, money aside, many of us have multiple responsibilities that prevent us from travelling willy-nilly. I won’t go into them here as it’s nobody’s business but ours, but seriously, stop pushing the issue. Do NOT feel sorry for us, we aren’t the ones with an issue here – you are! We are all very satisfied with the wedding plans as they are, thank you. 😊 

A Change in Direction…

Now, on a slightly different note, I am a young (multiple) business owner who works diligently and efficiently to make these work – with measured success.

My best friends and family know what I’ve achieved, I know what I’ve achieved, where I’m going with the businesses and how they will grow, but too many (nosy) acquaintances feel it’s their place to make very personal assumptions without knowing the full story. And because of that, some people have developed a false understanding of both me as an individual and an entrepreneur.

So, here are some questions I am often asked (but not given the chance to actually answer):

1. Do you know what you really want to do? It seems like you’re just banging about with no real idea of what you want!

A: Firstly, how incredibly rude. Secondly, if you’d stopped at the question before making your assumption, I would have told you exactly what I want to do. And you’d know I’m doing it.

2. You are always working so hard! You’re struggling financially, and I just want to help!

A: Yes, I work very hard. I rarely switch off - a failing of mine, but also a strength. But the thing is, business excites me, and for too many years I was afraid to take a risk – even if that meant simply researching the business I wanted to develop. I guess I was afraid of failure. How many successful people achieved success overnight? Success that earned longevity? I can’t think of any.

As for the financial assumption, we are not ‘struggling’ at all. I ALWAYS have an income, because I have always budgeted and planned out our immediate and distant future:

-   Where will we be in one year?

-   How much will rent be?

-   What job will I be doing?

-   Do I want to give up my weeknights and weekends to mark Secondary English papers again?

-   Can I put the teaching workload ahead of my relationship?

-   How much will this visa cost?

-   Can we end our current lease sooner?

-   When will I find time to have the car fixed?

-   Will this plumber ever return our calls to fix that leak in the flat above?

So in short, we do not need financial help. What a terrible assumption to make. We are capable adults with clever heads on our shoulders. If we are struggling, we’ll let you know. But honestly, don’t hold your breath.

3.  Does Gigamov make money yet? What is your plan? It’s just a hobby. Focus on something that will earn you money.

A: I find this so rude. I don’t bother explaining to people who tell me how to run my community-led website how this so-called ‘hobby’ works. But I will explain briefly here.

I am so proud to have built Gigamov from scratch: from its conception, to its development, recruitment, and the small successes it’s earned in its 7 months. Yes, that’s right. I founded Gigamov in December 2016 and launched in January 2017 with a solid team of foundation writers (voluntary) who continue to write several news and reviews items each week.

No, I cannot pay the writers at this time (as they knew when joining our community). We do not profit. So if that constitutes as a hobby in your books, fine. But let me remind you, earning money from click-ads isn’t as simple or as lucrative as it first seems. It takes time.

We will get there eventually, but right now, we have a steady team of writers who have grown in confidence with every review they submit, and who have even received job offers in the writing field because their work is published on a professional website separate to their blog pages. I am happy to give these writers the chance to become published in a world where publication is near to impossible.

We have gained special access to numerous gigs and conventions because of the work we do, and for pop culture fans, this is a massive win! So if we’re not making money right now, that’s fine by me. It will happen eventually.

4. Why aren’t you teaching full-time anymore? Is it a lifestyle thing?

A: Lifestyle? Really? I still work really hard, both as a supply (casual) teacher and at home. If I taught full-time, the workload I’d be bringing home would prevent me from working on our businesses of an evening. I know what is important in life, and it isn't drowning in data entry, reports or marking.

5. Why are you teaching Primary now? Was Secondary too hard?

A: Secondary was lovely. I have so many fond memories of the students – even when they were being little s**ts! It really was both the most exhausting and rewarding (albeit quite thankless) job I’ve ever had.

What I didn’t agree with was the focus on data (and too often, ‘fudging’ data to benefit the school), and the misguided leaders who had no concept of or empathy for children anymore.

Schools unfortunately are now all about data and training and increased workloads – which is totally detrimental to the students we teach. I can no longer be a part of that environment. Primary schools are much the same, but at 30, I needed a change.

Teaching Primary has been a totally new challenge – not harder in any way, but not easier either. Just… DIFFERENT. I’ve drawn upon my Secondary Teaching skills, and honed others to develop them for a younger audience. It’s been a great adventure.

6. When will you go back to Australia? Or are you staying in the UK for good?

A: January, baby!

7. What food can I get for you? I don’t have any superfoods or special health products on hand. I’m so sorry…

A: Don’t be! If I’m a guest in your home, I’ll be grateful for whatever you provide. Of course I prefer to eat healthy (I can eat more and relinquish guilt!), but unless you’re a commercial organisation who is expected to cater for nutrition-focussed individuals, a sausage on the barbie’s fine by me! 

I know there are PLENTY of other questions and assumptions that are made about my life here in the UK, as well as the exciting ventures my fiancé and I have coming up, but I hope my answers have cleared up any misconceptions you yourself may have had.

One thing I have always struggled with in life is defamation or misrepresentation: I speak for myself. No-one speaks for me. And, some questions just needn’t be asked.  Think to yourself, “will it kill me now to know?” If not, it’s probably best left unsaid.

Now, back to my Sunday morning where the sun is actually out in abundance, the church bells are ringing, and my cup-a-joe is waiting patiently to be sipped.

By Belinda Pearce

18/6/17 

Dear Albertine...

A Letter To My Future Child

In August 2015, I had an intense and vivid dream. It wasn’t the type of dream you’d brush off as random or obscure in its sensibility, nor was it flippant in its content. Rather, it was the evocative kind that welcomed emotions unhindered by social constructs. It was thought provoking. It was a dream where everything and everyone was real, and I was part of something amazing; this dream depicted a convincing reality.

**

I’m holding a baby – a girl to be precise. She is beautiful. Her skin is smooth, flawless. Her cheeks are plump; the healthy hue reminiscent of a fresh peach. Her eyes are a sharp blue, and her hair golden. I’m holding this baby girl in my arms, wrapped cosily in an eggshell-white cotton blanket with pale blue and yellow stripes. As if the vision before me were a video tape stuck between fast-forward and rewind, the child flickers between two ages: the newborn sleepily cradled in my arms, and that of a toddler, her telling hair now flowing in gentle uncut locks that bounce just past her ear lobes as she waddles by, arms outstretched.

My family sit around me in awe, comforting and peaceful smiles on their faces. My smile, however, is beaming. As if under a spell, I continue to look lovingly into my daughter’s eyes, unable to look away as she lay contentedly in my arms. Everything around her is blurred now, making her the salient figure of my life from here on. I hold her closer, my nose nearly touching hers as I say with full conviction “You’ll be such an intelligent woman!” I am proud of my girl beyond belief – it’s as if her eyes hold the answers to the universe, like tiny crystal balls revealing her future…

**

Upon waking, I felt strangely conflicted. Initially I was elated to have so vividly interacted with my first-born years before her conception. However, another part of me felt frustrated, distanced and deeply, deeply sad. I’d been unfairly separated from my sweet baby girl; the girl I’d held only for moments once upon a dream, yet now shared an unfathomable maternal bond with.

In the weeks to follow, I continued to think about my dream. Many nights I’d fall asleep praying to God that I’d dream of her again. I missed her terribly, and during stolen introspective moments in chaotic work environments, I wished so strongly to be reunited with her. It was then that I understood every working-mother’s dilemma come the end of their maternity leave. I finally understood the love a mother feels for her child, and as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes, realised my own mother’s unconditional and selfless love for me.

I continued to think of my golden-haired girl, and sub-consciously, I began making decisions based on how they would impact her. The choices ranged from life-changing (e.g. international migration, career stability) to personal (who I associated with, how I behaved in social situations). My life motto ‘honest and imperfect’ prompted me to think about which stories of experience I would share with my daughter, which would remain private, and how I would assist her to make sound decisions without sounding ‘too preachy’. I contemplated how I would enable her to become the person she aspired to be. I also wondered how she would perceive me as I neared my forties or fifties, and she grew to be a teenager with her own opinions. I wondered if she would question my reasoning or ever doubt my decisions. I knew she would respect me, but I wanted to consider if there was any reason she would not.

It was in considering how I would provide my child with a hopeful future, and how I would preserve our mother-daughter relationship that inspired me to write this piece. The following is an open letter to my dear (future) daughter, Albertine.

~

Dear Albertine,

Do you know why I named you as such? When I was twenty-eight (well before you were born), I had a dream. I dreamt I was holding you in my arms and although you were no more than a few weeks old, I wholeheartedly believed you would grow up to be an incredibly smart, confident and well-respected young woman. I had full conviction.

Connoting royalty, nobility and intelligence, your name’s origin can be linked to a number of European countries: Spain, France and Germany included. While Albertine was different – ‘old-timey’ and beautiful - I also considered naming you for the vibrant golden hair you possessed in my dream. However, ‘gold’ in Spanish translates to ‘Oro’, and the three letters / two syllables just weren’t expressive enough for my little girl.

Before you were conceived, before you were even a psychological conception, I made a promise to you. I promised never to do anything to shame or disappoint you. As I write this in my late twenties, I can assure you I have never been so drunk that I’ve failed to recollect the events of the night before, I’ve had no one-night stands, and I’ve avoided illicit drugs though they were always available to me. I would be so ashamed if ever you discovered something sordid from my past that I’d thought was lost and buried. Luckily, there are no such secrets that exist, nor any I would keep from you. I promise to always act as a role model to you in every possible way - you have my word.

I’ll always be honest with you, even if it means telling you about my failed relationships and how I learnt from them. I’ll overcome past hurts and promise never to hold grudges against the people who did me wrong; however, for your benefit I will never let myself forget what rejection, disappointment or heartbreak feels like. So that you grow to be a well-rounded adult, building your capacity to empathise is very important to me. I’ll be empathetic with you, always.

I’ll share with you my experiences, endeavoring to leave few stones unturned. I hope you can learn from my mistakes. I really do… but I know it is essential you learn from your own.

When you tell me about your latest boyfriend or crush and seek my advice, I may not always tell you what you want to hear. Rather, I will share with you my honest opinion; however, I promise to tread carefully when I believe your heart is at risk of being broken.

I want you to know that it is not ok to be ignored, or to be treated as second best. It’s not ok for people to make you feel like you are any less than the beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving and wholesome girl you are. I know the feeling of dismissal all too well, and at twenty-eight, I continue to be surprised by the presence of utter dejection in my own personal life, whether it be because a worthy man of interest has, without warning or explanation, decided to cut all contact, or a close friend has gone AWOL for weeks on end, forgetting important milestones in my life. When this happens to you (and unfortunately it will), keep in mind that their behaviour is their prerogative and this is their issue to contend with. Over the years, I’ve come to accept that the universe has a way of indicating whether someone should be in our lives or not, and a sudden despondence on their part is often its uncomfortable warning. Such people will make you question your self-worth, Albertine, but listen to me when I say it is their loss. Remember this, I implore you.

I want you to know that ‘you are the company you keep’, and as such, I will never allow people into my life that may be of detriment to you - that would suggest a lack of dignity, and as you know sweetie, your mother is a very honorable person. I will never give you any reason to call me a hypocrite when I tell you I don’t like that friend of yours who treats you poorly, or that boy who is giving you the run around. Over time you will come to learn that my actions and feelings towards people are always justified, so if I don’t accept second best, neither should you.

You know that I am writing this letter well before your birth, so I have not yet met your father; or maybe I have, and I just don’t know it. But let me tell you this: your father is a good man. He loves you with all his heart. You are his world, even more so than me – and that is perfectly ok. He is kind and empathetic; he loves to listen to your stories and make his little girl feel special. Like me, he teaches you the ways of the world – whether it be of a social, political, cultural or historical nature, you name it, he’s discussed it with you at some point. He doesn’t lecture or dismiss your interesting yet underdeveloped ideas when you feel brave enough to share them with him. He is proud of you to no end, as am I.

I want you to be inquisitive and develop your own way of thinking. As parents, it is our responsibility to feed your desire to question, learn and discover the world around you. I will remind you daily of how smart you are, noting the many little things you say or do that lead me to believe you are an old soul. I will instill in you a sense of confidence that you can be anything you want to be; accomplish anything you desire to achieve. I have full faith in you, Albertine, like your grandparents continue to have in me.

You’ll learn from me that independence is everything, but not everyone practises it. You will exude this quality in everything you do and every decision you make. You will be at peace with yourself and never rely upon the company of others to maintain a sense of happiness. Your heart will remain guarded, hopefully having listened to my stories and learned from my mistakes. That said, you’ll follow your instinct and allow the right people into your heart, and when you do, you will love them with every fibre of your being. Hopefully you will never fall victim to society’s unruly expectations or a man’s manipulation, both of which are designed to destroy purity and sound self-perception. You’re too wise for that.

At times, you may feel pressured to follow society’s rigid path: find a man, marry, invest in the property market, have children and live happily ever after; this is an ideal that stands to erase the fact that life is non-linear. If you are single like I’ve been for most of my twenties, people may ask you “why are you still single? Aren’t you lonely?” Ignorant questions like this are more telling of their personality than of yours.

There’s a difference between loneliness and being alone. You may prefer at times to be alone – this is common and healthy. I choose this option more often than not. To be lonely, however, is entirely different. To be alone is a choice: quiet introspection is essential to your wellbeing - remember that. To be lonely is to rely upon the company of others because you are unsatisfied with your own; this is a dangerous emotion and one I hope you never succumb to. I want to give you every chance to achieve success in your life so that you never feel disappointed within yourself, and depend upon others as your main source of happiness. If you are at peace with who you are, loneliness has little chance at destroying your wonderful, charismatic demeanour.

Albertine, there is so much more I could tell you; so much more you need to know. I could write a novel to guide you through your adolescent years and tumultuous twenties, providing you with emotional support and useful tips– but unfortunately, you will have to experience the highs and lows for yourself. If in fact you do read this letter one day, you will likely tell me my efforts were unnecessary, because I’ve proven my integrity to you every day since the moment you were born.

I want this letter to remind you of your worth not only to me, but also to the world around you. You are important, Albertine: I know this to be true. You are a supernova of sorts who will do great things for many people. Selfishly, I hope my role as mother has played some part in your ability to do so.

While I may have written this letter to you years before your birth, I want you to know that the sentiments will remain true long after I am gone.

Estoy orgullosa de ti, mi niña inteligente.

Love, Mamá.

By Belinda Pearce

6/11/15