Questions and Assumptions

Crossing That Line

Too often am I faced with invasive questions and assumptions when it comes to the really important life decisions that should only be discussed between partners: wedding plans, work visas, family plans – you name it.

Worse yet is when family members are grilled on the same topics, resulting in major assumptions that characterise us poorly, and ultimately leave us incredibly frustrated.

Now, before I go any further, my family are not the creators of such burden. Since moving to the UK, both my immediate and extended families have given nothing but support: emotionally (with daily texts and photos from home), psychologically (helping me to nut out problems I face that require a second opinion) and physically (with the sending of care packages, despite the enormous cost of shipping and customs charges).

While I answer most questions asked of me while maintaining some semblance of privacy, my family aren’t always afforded the same courtesy.

If someone asks me a question that is too personal, I have no problems showing them where the line is and reminding them to stand behind it. Unfortunately, when my family is grilled, it is socially unacceptable for them to respond in the same way without being perceived as ‘defensive’. So then they are left trying to explain MY situation between bossy, instructional comments that tell them what they “should” do, all while enduring intense judgement – for MY personal decisions. It’s not too fair, huh?

So I’d like to dispel some myths about living abroad, living away from my family, working in a foreign country, and our wedding plans. This blog will put my mind at ease, as I cannot be interrupted, and my actions, thoughts or feelings can in no way be misconstrued. What I say is what I mean.

Questions asked of my family

1. (Moments after being told I’m engaged) “Did he give her a big ring?”

A: The ring is absolutely perfect – down to the finest detail. Now let’s focus on the fact that two people will be marrying for love, not money or possessions.

2. “So you're flying over for the wedding? For how long will you stay in England?” 

A: No. This is something we’ve discussed and toyed with, but I’ve been raised to think practically and logically. I have been home to Australia twice to visit, as I missed my country, my family, my friends, and my angel of a dog. I wanted familiarity (and sunshine!). It doesn’t make sense to spend enormous amounts of money to fly my family over, when I’d be at work, or overseas on my honeymoon.

3. “Good. You have accommodation there.”

A: Even if my family did visit, we could fork out money on blow-up mattresses that would be used for a week, but would they be comfortable? Our sweet, neat, cosy 1-bedroom flat wouldn’t be suitable for a family of five.

4.  *gasp* “They want a PRIVATE wedding?!”

A: Oh my lord, yes. Growing up, I NEVER wanted a big wedding. From an early age (and probably due to my social anxiety, and the inherent need to never let anyone feel left out), I always preferred to elope; this made people gasp every time, but it is honestly what I wanted and continue to want. Luckily, my fiancé wants the same! 

The venue is gorgeous: nice building in an old, clean and respected town. Yes, we have a photographer and yes, we have booked our exciting honeymoon.

At the end of the day, flying my immediate family to England means my extended family (who are just as important to me) miss out on the wedding.

Then there’d be the pressure of having a big family dinner – again, not something either the bride or groom wanted. We will celebrate with our families separately when we see them, so we can spend one-on-one time with them. That would mean the world to us.

So yes, we are having a VERY private wedding. And we are SO excited. 😃

5. "Has she bought the wedding dress, yet? Can I see? How much did it cost?"

A: I will wear the modest, modern wedding outfit I envisioned for my wedding. ☺💖

6.  “My daughter drove in to her wedding in a Ferrari.”

A: How lovely for your daughter! If that is her dream, I’m glad it was achieved. For me though, I’d rather save that money for a house deposit. We cannot wait to landscape our own garden in a home not governed by a landlord or pushy real estate agency.

7. Why don’t you just go to England for a few days at least? You HAVE to see your daughter/sister marry!

A: First of all, no, they don’t. They might LIKE to, but they don’t HAVE to. My family is wise enough to know that it is the life we make for ourselves after we marry that counts.

The other thing is, money aside, many of us have multiple responsibilities that prevent us from travelling willy-nilly. I won’t go into them here as it’s nobody’s business but ours, but seriously, stop pushing the issue. Do NOT feel sorry for us, we aren’t the ones with an issue here – you are! We are all very satisfied with the wedding plans as they are, thank you. 😊 

A Change in Direction…

Now, on a slightly different note, I am a young (multiple) business owner who works diligently and efficiently to make these work – with measured success.

My best friends and family know what I’ve achieved, I know what I’ve achieved, where I’m going with the businesses and how they will grow, but too many (nosy) acquaintances feel it’s their place to make very personal assumptions without knowing the full story. And because of that, some people have developed a false understanding of both me as an individual and an entrepreneur.

So, here are some questions I am often asked (but not given the chance to actually answer):

1. Do you know what you really want to do? It seems like you’re just banging about with no real idea of what you want!

A: Firstly, how incredibly rude. Secondly, if you’d stopped at the question before making your assumption, I would have told you exactly what I want to do. And you’d know I’m doing it.

2. You are always working so hard! You’re struggling financially, and I just want to help!

A: Yes, I work very hard. I rarely switch off - a failing of mine, but also a strength. But the thing is, business excites me, and for too many years I was afraid to take a risk – even if that meant simply researching the business I wanted to develop. I guess I was afraid of failure. How many successful people achieved success overnight? Success that earned longevity? I can’t think of any.

As for the financial assumption, we are not ‘struggling’ at all. I ALWAYS have an income, because I have always budgeted and planned out our immediate and distant future:

-   Where will we be in one year?

-   How much will rent be?

-   What job will I be doing?

-   Do I want to give up my weeknights and weekends to mark Secondary English papers again?

-   Can I put the teaching workload ahead of my relationship?

-   How much will this visa cost?

-   Can we end our current lease sooner?

-   When will I find time to have the car fixed?

-   Will this plumber ever return our calls to fix that leak in the flat above?

So in short, we do not need financial help. What a terrible assumption to make. We are capable adults with clever heads on our shoulders. If we are struggling, we’ll let you know. But honestly, don’t hold your breath.

3.  Does Gigamov make money yet? What is your plan? It’s just a hobby. Focus on something that will earn you money.

A: I find this so rude. I don’t bother explaining to people who tell me how to run my community-led website how this so-called ‘hobby’ works. But I will explain briefly here.

I am so proud to have built Gigamov from scratch: from its conception, to its development, recruitment, and the small successes it’s earned in its 7 months. Yes, that’s right. I founded Gigamov in December 2016 and launched in January 2017 with a solid team of foundation writers (voluntary) who continue to write several news and reviews items each week.

No, I cannot pay the writers at this time (as they knew when joining our community). We do not profit. So if that constitutes as a hobby in your books, fine. But let me remind you, earning money from click-ads isn’t as simple or as lucrative as it first seems. It takes time.

We will get there eventually, but right now, we have a steady team of writers who have grown in confidence with every review they submit, and who have even received job offers in the writing field because their work is published on a professional website separate to their blog pages. I am happy to give these writers the chance to become published in a world where publication is near to impossible.

We have gained special access to numerous gigs and conventions because of the work we do, and for pop culture fans, this is a massive win! So if we’re not making money right now, that’s fine by me. It will happen eventually.

4. Why aren’t you teaching full-time anymore? Is it a lifestyle thing?

A: Lifestyle? Really? I still work really hard, both as a supply (casual) teacher and at home. If I taught full-time, the workload I’d be bringing home would prevent me from working on our businesses of an evening. I know what is important in life, and it isn't drowning in data entry, reports or marking.

5. Why are you teaching Primary now? Was Secondary too hard?

A: Secondary was lovely. I have so many fond memories of the students – even when they were being little s**ts! It really was both the most exhausting and rewarding (albeit quite thankless) job I’ve ever had.

What I didn’t agree with was the focus on data (and too often, ‘fudging’ data to benefit the school), and the misguided leaders who had no concept of or empathy for children anymore.

Schools unfortunately are now all about data and training and increased workloads – which is totally detrimental to the students we teach. I can no longer be a part of that environment. Primary schools are much the same, but at 30, I needed a change.

Teaching Primary has been a totally new challenge – not harder in any way, but not easier either. Just… DIFFERENT. I’ve drawn upon my Secondary Teaching skills, and honed others to develop them for a younger audience. It’s been a great adventure.

6. When will you go back to Australia? Or are you staying in the UK for good?

A: January, baby!

7. What food can I get for you? I don’t have any superfoods or special health products on hand. I’m so sorry…

A: Don’t be! If I’m a guest in your home, I’ll be grateful for whatever you provide. Of course I prefer to eat healthy (I can eat more and relinquish guilt!), but unless you’re a commercial organisation who is expected to cater for nutrition-focussed individuals, a sausage on the barbie’s fine by me! 

I know there are PLENTY of other questions and assumptions that are made about my life here in the UK, as well as the exciting ventures my fiancé and I have coming up, but I hope my answers have cleared up any misconceptions you yourself may have had.

One thing I have always struggled with in life is defamation or misrepresentation: I speak for myself. No-one speaks for me. And, some questions just needn’t be asked.  Think to yourself, “will it kill me now to know?” If not, it’s probably best left unsaid.

Now, back to my Sunday morning where the sun is actually out in abundance, the church bells are ringing, and my cup-a-joe is waiting patiently to be sipped.

By Belinda Pearce

18/6/17 

There Are No Rules: In Love

There Are No Rules: In Love

Here’s the situation. A confident, successful, friendly and motivated woman in her late twenties is seen to be all of the above through the eyes of her friends, family and peers. “You are gorgeous!” they say. “You’re so clever!” they chime. But there is one fallible flaw in her near-perfect being: she is single.

No stranger to the question “do you have a boyfriend yet?” this modern girl is in constant defense mode. The belief seems to be that once one leaves high school, the single female is placed on the stage of a metaphorical pageant where she is expected to outshine all other female contenders for the attention of the all-male audience. Challenges include to:

• stand out in a swarm of beautiful women who are far more confident of their physical appearance than you are of yours 
•  evade creeps
• strategically friend-zone where needed
•  avoid making the first move
•  avoid rejection at all costs
• inevitably deal with being rejected when an error in judgement has led you to make the first move
•  and most importantly, maintain your integrity at all times.

The prize, of course is to make it through to the next round, which involves exiting the coruscating stage hand-in-hand with your partner, excited to be courted by this interesting new person. While you blush with plume, onlookers either applaud your triumph or glare at you with jealous eyes (and you secretly hope it's the latter). But not everyone is an instant winner.

If you’re lucky, you won’t be on this stage for long. You begin to notice that as your fellow contestants leave with their new playmates, the stage lights slowly start to dim. You find yourself pacing over a limited area of the hardwood floor, wearing the black finish to a dull grey, now unable to see the exit clearly as it is too far to reach from the centre of this dark and dusty stage. You keep yourself busy. You try to entertain yourself, but before you know it, only one theatre light has been left on, and it’s a standard four-dollar bulb flickering from a distant corridor down the aisle leading to the toilets. The audience left hours ago. You’ve missed your cue.

So, why is being a single female so taboo in this modern society of ours? Allow me to share a little about myself. I am nearly 27 years old and to the curiosity of some, have only ever had one boyfriend.

I was 21 or 22 at the time, and my immaturity and lack of experience led me to make excuses for his errors. I put up with far more than I ever would today and I gave second chances (sometimes third and forth). Our relationship was psychologically volatile: he enjoyed the thrill of playing mind games of which I was absolutely aware; questioned my religious beliefs and dismissed my request to ‘label’ our relationship as paranoia [he was openly in contact with his most recent ex-girlfriend, flirted with his female co-workers and made no apologies for this behaviour]. While he was not the first guy I dated by any means, he was the first I’d fought for emotionally, ignoring my better judgement. Evidently, society’s perpetual fear had subliminally crept into my psyche.

That was five or six years ago and it’s true, I haven’t had a boyfriend since. Subsequently, I’ve been on some first dates but never, if my memory serves me correctly, any seconds. [If there were second dates, they were unremarkable.] I consciously avoid referring to my ex-boyfriend in conversation because the relationship isn’t a reflection of who I am today, nor does it emulate any feelings I had back then or now. Typically what follows the mention of this relationship are concerns like “So, are you single now because no one really compares to your ex?” or “Do you ever think about getting back in touch with him?” And then there’s “Are you too scared to date now because you think you’ll be hurt again?” The answer to each of these questions is no, simply because I know I deserve better.

It baffles me that people from my past or present would want me to settle for a mediocre, if not damaging relationship replete with domestic imbalance. Many insist I date the next random to waltz into my life, regardless of age or past experience. These people find it incomprehensible that I would rather be single than lower my standards significantly. “You’ll find love when you least expect it” they say with great enthusiasm, as if they were gazing into a telling crystal ball.

Well, here’s a (contracted) list of gentlemen I’m supposed to have willingly considered as suitors when I ‘least expected it’:

• The creepy forty-something tattoo artist that resembled Andy Serkis and who I initially thought was gay.
• A happily married thirty-something friend of mine (apparently the fact that he’s married with three kids isn’t a concern to some).
• The suspiciously Russian-sounding “LA native” (his words) that approached me in San Francisco to ask where the nearest Starbucks was. Once I answered his question, he stared in silence, then finally said “You’re really cute”. Keep it moving, buddy.
•  The countless Indian males (old and young) who have, within moments of meeting me, told me I am beautiful and that they feel an ‘unconditional love’ for me. (Seriously, this happens more than you know.)
• The sinister 32 year-old storeman I worked with when I was 19 whose advances weren’t welcome.
• The stout, freckled, opinionated thirty-something work acquaintance whose female bestie refused to believe I didn’t want to date him, having thrown the idea out publicly six or seven times.
• A few young, attractive males who’ve chosen to complain about their long-time girlfriends to me while sussing out whether I was interested in them by openly flirting. Gentlemen, that’s not ok. Go be with your girlfriend. By the sound of it, you’re lucky to have her.
•  …and many others, but I need to stop; this list is exhausting me.

Another social taboo I’ve experienced is that of living alone. Apparently it is questionable for a single female to have her own place, even in 2014. An annoying question I am often faced with is, “Isn’t that lonely?” This question is, ninety-nine percent of the time asked by someone who has never been alone a day in their life; often females who jump from one boyfriend to another and don’t know how to navigate the ‘single life’. It is liberating being able to go home to a place that is mine: I can watch what I want when I want; arrange the furniture as I like, and I don’t need to worry about sharing the living room if a housemate decides to have friends over. The fact that it still shocks some to discover that a female can live self-sufficiently in today’s day and age threatens to disturb the progress we have made as a society in terms of women’s independence. Recently, I’ve noticed that society panicking about my relationship status becomes less about my desire to find a partner and more about its need to fulfil quixotic expectations. Living alone in one’s twenties gives women the opportunity to know themselves before entering the relentless dating arena, where selflessness is key.

Today, dating is competitive. Perhaps it always was, but in your late twenties and thirties, it is magnified. Social media plays a major role in fueling this fire and false representations of what is considered beautiful such as sexualised, retouched images in our contemporary society threaten to damage a woman’s self-worth, preventing her from confidently vying for a man’s attention. If we were to revisit the pageantry metaphor, rather than sprucing up my hair; throwing myself into a short, tight-fitting dress with a low neckline; batting my eyelashes and flicking my hair until the judges gave me the thumbs up, my performance would see me wearing edgy skinny jeans, lace-up indie boots, a black hoody and if I’m feeling particularly vehement, the bird times two. Dating shouldn’t be a contest based on appearance and sexual desire alone. It also shouldn’t be a platform for men or women to gloat or objectify their ‘trophy partner’ on social media as a means of concealing their insecurities.

Recently, I confided in a close friend that I’d met someone special, and as cliché as it may sound, I felt a ‘connection’. Though a little younger than I, he has proven himself to be the most mature twenty-something male I’ve met thus far (and genuine, and funny, and smart, and handsome – the list goes on. #smitten). Almost instantly we found common ground, and soon we started talking daily, if only in passing.

My friend (recently engaged to her boyfriend of eight years) listened with excitement and great amusement as I told her of our encounters and my flirtatious faux pas. She then gave me some welcome advice: “Take your time getting to know him, because getting to know each other is a really fun stage of the relationship.” She also said, “Always be yourself.” This advice instigated the realisation that society’s attitude towards romantic partnerships is designed to make women feel the need to rush into a relationship, whether it be because their biological clock is ticking or simply because they don’t want to be considered a spinster at thirty years of age. It also identified another issue: that women experience both internal and external pressure to change their appearance, their personality or alter their beliefs with the sole purpose of attracting a man… any man. Several weeks after my friend bestowed upon me her wise words, I’m happy to announce that I couldn’t agree with her more. Finding out new things about the man you’re interested in is fascinating, and learning every day that you have even more in common with him than you initially expected is near exhilarating. It just goes to show that for the single female, knowing yourself must be your top priority before seeking a partner. If you don’t enjoy your own company, how can you expect others to?

Being single should be considered less about one’s failure to obtain a life partner, and more potently as an opportunity to thrive in improving your own personal wellbeing. The satire of which NBC’s 30 Rock so cleverly represents is the misconception that it is an aberration to suffer defeat in your early adult years when it comes to dating and marriage. The episode titled ‘Cleveland’ sums up this sentiment nicely with a direct allusion to the characters of Sex and the City. The scene features three women in their thirties: awkward and self-sufficient Liz Lemon, vain blonde bombshell Jenna and upper class Christie’s snob Phoebe, who are talking about Phoebe’s quick engagement:

Phoebe      Let’s face it. At our age, we can’t afford to waste any time.  

Jenna        Mmm-hmm. 

Liz              [Laughs sarcastically] Floyd and I have been dating for a month. Do you think I should be mad that I don’t have a ring?

[Phoebe and Jenna nod in pity. Liz looks surprised.]  

Jenna        Well, how Sex and the City are we right now? I’m Samantha, [to Phoebe] you’re Charlotte, [to Liz] and you’re the lady at home that watches it! 

To quote 30 Rock’s patriarchal character Jack Donoughy (as played by Alec Baldwin), “there are no rules in love”. Ergo, women should remember to follow their instinct when it comes to dating, and avoid societal pressures to meet insubstantial deadlines.

If we keep in mind that there are no rules in love, no longer will the single woman submit to feelings of guilt and inner-turmoil because she was not married by the age of twenty-five. If we remember that there are no rules in love, no longer will men (in particular) be influenced by Hollywood dialogue telling them to wait three days before contacting their crush. If there are no rules in love, using your single status to get to know your own wants and needs will surely increase your chances of finding a partner that accepts you for who you are. If there are no rules in love, the metaphorical stage can dim its lights for good and allow these young, single women to venture out into the world and find a man they fancy, no longer existing as just another option to their male counterparts. 

If there are no rules in love, perhaps then the statement “I’m single” will no longer be met with a gasp.

Written by Belinda Pearce

4/5/14